Showing posts from May, 2012

A Big Enough Deity

I have spent each day after coming home contemplating my experience of Christianity during the time of my father's passing.  I have been thinking about God, what both evangelical and liberal Christians say about God, Jesus and humanity.  It has led me to conclude a couple of things.

The first is, I am not a Christian. Not in any traditional sense.  The good thing is all those old grudges were healed through my experiences with good kindly Christians during his sickness and death.  I know there are closed minded and psycho people who claim to be Christians, but I dont blame the whole religion for them.  I know many are not that way.  So why I am I not a Christian?   My God is bigger.  My God has so many describers.....many not biblical in the least.  God to me is Mother, Father, Lover but also friend, nature, Goddess, Shakti, Sophia, Krishna, Jesus, Kali, the tree in my front yard, the rolling plains, sunset, land my spouse.  My faith story is not limited to the Biblical characters…


This past couple of weeks have been a roller coaster ride of emotions, but also one of prayer and contemplation.  I am home for the weekend, before returning next week to help my mom get all the other stuff that goes on after a death in order.

This roller coaster ride was one of great sorrow but with that healing as well.  I saw a side of the church I had long forgotten about and refused to see.  I was reminded that not all Christians are intolerant jerks, that most are people just like you and I just trying to get by.  I was inspired by their love and trust in God, as well as that lived out in love for my family through this sad time.

While I will never return to my literalist fundamentalism of my youth, I am comfortable now in my relationship with Jesus, which I struggled with from the moment I fell in love with the Gospel of Thomas.  I also gained a renewed appreciation for the Bible both through these Christians as well as a book I would read while sitting with my father called od…

It Is Finished

I saw my dad die today. I was with him when it happened. It is odd how I had certain expectations of how it should happen, perhaps from stories or too much television as a child. Both the nurse and I had dreams with messages from him. I knew it would be today...he had declined that much. He did not come to at the last moment with a message or even a deathbed vision when he passed. There was no death rattle. He was simply surrounded by his loved ones and simply stopes breathing peacefully. Seeing my mother and his father weep deeply in their grief made it all the more sorrowful. I found myself hoping against hope that there is an afterlife. I wish I had a strong faith,as I saw how it comforted the rest of the family, in the afterlife. I thought about my own afterlife and a verse from the Bible describes my life: "Lord, I believe. Help thou mine unbelief." Please pray for my family as we go through this time of loss.

The Compassionate Face of Christianity

Sitting here with my father in his final days on earth, many people have come to see him. He has touched many lives. I grew up in this small town. I know many of these people. It was here where my spiritual life began, and it was here where I was rejected by my faith community that has left me scarred with a spiritual limp like Jacob who wrestled with God and forever walked with a limp afterwards. I knew the wound had never completely healed, crippling my trust in Christianity, the church, God, and really any religion. Sitting here, watching folks come in there have been several members of the clergy come as well as church folk. Some have been the stereotypical religious types but a few have been as Jesus. They weep and suffer with my dad and my mom who is losing the love of her life. One of them is the one who stood with me when I had to stand before the church tribunal. Rather than stand with the majority against me, he went out on a limb and publically stood with me and…

The Promise

I am sitting in the hospital. My dad who looks like a refugee from the concentration camps has slipped into a coma. His kidneys are failing. As friends and family visit to say their goodbyes, each of us reach for hope.

What Are You Made Of?

My dad is dying.  He had been fighting this latest round of skin cancer for a year.  He won several smaller battles.  This one-he will not win.  I live five hours from home and when my folks would come up for chemo they would travel to the city I live in for chemo.  The last time they were up was about 2 weeks ago.  He did not look great, but nothing prepared me for how he looks now.  My sister tried to warn me when she told me it was time to come down and say our goodbyes.  It was hard not to gasp and cry when I walked into his hosptial room.  He looked like a living skeleton with only the lightest layer of skin on bone.  His muscles were gone.  My dad had always been an athlete, like his father before him.  One eye has gone blind and he cannot close it.  He also has lost the ability to speak. All within the past few days.

It is times like this when one realizes what you are made of.  I have been a spiritual nomad for a large part of my life.  My first love and how I was raised was C…

Sometimes it Sucks Being Passerby!

There is a saying in the Gospel of Thomas that says, "Be Passerby".  This brings to mind another saying I heard that we are not called to build a house on the bridge of life but rather to pass through it.  I find my spirituality is a lot like that.  There are certain core things that consistently resonate within me:  meditation, contemplation, works of compassion and justice and that of the sacred in all people and things.  But sometimes it sucks to not really fit within any one camp of religions.  Being an outsider and not being able to set up one's tent is very uncomfortable to me.

I love the Gospel of Thomas but due to my UPG (unverified person gnosis) with nature last year, it is simply not enough.  I don't fit within a church nor a church mindset. (Not for a lack of trying in many different settings)  There is a lot to appreciate there but my theology does not really fit any known church to encourage me to join that local community.  I cannot affirm God as only …

Now You're Cooking!

So...uh..I am learning to cook.  I am a little embarrassed to say this, but I am a 30-something male, and I cannot cook...but I am learning!  A visit to my doctor who had dropped over 100+ pounds, got us talking about things to eat.  I confessed I usually eat out on my way to and from work.  Now I should tell you that she is utterly fantastic.  The most friendly doctor I have met.  Well we got to chatting and next thing you know she is sharing recipes that she has found delicious and healthy that has helped her drop the weight (along with exercise).  Well, last Sunday I made a marinated beef roast.  It was roasted with herbs, fresh green beans, celery and carrots.  It was delicious and easy to make!

Today I made a pork loin with herbs rubbed into it.  As a side I baked Asparagus lightly drizzled with olive oil, sprinkled with sea salt, and a bit of minced garlic sprinkled on it for taste.  It was utterly delicious and easy to make!  Who knew?

I used to read books about the spirituality…

God - What a Riot!

Sometimes I just don't get God.  Okay, a lot of times I don't!  He is just so damned irreverent sometimes!  He really does not care one bit for our sacred cows.  It just blows me away.  Driving in the car today, I became aware of the presence and power of God.  My mind flashed with images of God, and my response?  Well the images of God were not typical and not "holy" in the traditional sense.  Much more gritty, much more urban...much less "religious."  I could love a God like this.  I guess I do.  In moments like this I do "get" the mystics like Rumi and John of the Cross.  I totally want to marry God.