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The Journey that Makes Us

My dead partner murdered me.  At least that is what it felt like when he died.  In a way, it is true.  In three days it will be four years when my partner of sixteen years left this physical life.  In reflecting on what I have done with my life since then, I realize that I am a different man.  I am not sure where the old me is.  Like a snake shedding its skin, I have died and birthed a new me.  His death killed the old me.

There are parts of me that I mourn losing.  I used to be a lot more innocent, yet like the myth of the couple being driven from the garden of innocence, I was forced out, and birthed into a knowledge of life rather than innocence from it.  I have experience love, heart-break and broken others hearts which I ought not to have done.  I have people who hate me now...some perhaps rightfully so.  I have been proud and been forced to be humbled.  My heart is harder now...I feel less compassion.  It seems impossible for me to let go and fall in love.  I am tired.

And it …

The Voice That Speaks

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before. -Edgar Allan Poe

I consider myself a spiritual person.  This may come as a surprise to some who know me and as no surprise to others.  I believe the sacred is found in all of nature.  Not just the parts we deep beautiful, but even in the savagery of the lion capturing her prey.    I am an animist.  I have no problem offering love to animals, trees, and plants.  I imagine a consciousness in them that connects us and to a source greater than ourselves.  I also believe in a vast spiritual reality made up of many types of beings, some benevolent, other malevolent, and every other spectrum such as found in humanity as well.

What this means is that you may see me offer honey at the foot of the tree for the spirits of place where I am, or you may observe me offering candle and incense to my ancestors or even various gods/saints who are patrons of various t…

The Dark Gifts of Eros- Eros United

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Lest anyone think I am polyanna-ish about matters of the heart, I assure you I am not.  Eros, with bow in hand, has arrows of love that turn toxic.  His arrows are like seeds.  Some grow for a short time, and then the roots hit rock and never go any deeper.  Others are choked out by weeds.  And a few grow deep and strong.  Sadly, too often, I have experienced the former.  Yet from every one of these failed dates and relationships there are opportunities for growth.

The last I had written, I was dating three men in my polyamorous experiment.  They all were aware of each other and all went well.  The long-distance one was the first to fall to dust in my hands.  After the initial meeting and lust sating itself, not much remained.  It ended.  The second was more baffling to me, but without exposing details, we mutually ended the relationship a few days after the first one ended.  We made great friends, have deep and thoughtful conversations, and fun sex - all of which could continue, but …

Finding the Source - Eros United

Things have shifted since I have last written. I have three separate paramours that I am dating, each knowing about the others.  One has shifted into a full-fledged boyfriend.  One is long-distance dating but this past weekend drove eight hours to be with me.  The third is the newest, and we are still getting to know each other.
What compounds this type of polyamory is that we are open. I have never been in an open relationship before, much less a poly open one. On one hand I love it.  Sometimes sex with a person who is not your spouse can be wonderful and exciting.  However there have been a couple of times when jealousy has arisen in me or one of my partners.
In exploring my own feelings of jealousy I ask myself a series of questions such as

Am I feeling inadequate?What am I afraid of?What was I feeling before the jealousy arose?   When my long distance partner left to return to his home state, one of my other partners went out of state to help his best friend move.  Initially I spen…

Light on Shame -Eros United

There is something broken in so many gay men that I believe this path can heal. The path I follow guides one to love his body, to honor sex in its varied forms, and to find the resolve in oneself to let go of what others think and love yourself. To see oneself as part of Nature and celebrate that. To let go of shame for being gay, for being male, for enjoying sex. To see a divine spark in others and to celebrate them as a unique and special part of the whole. It does not seek salvation nor the elusive enlightenment but finds liberation in digging ones toes in the fresh green grass and in the rain falling on your face.

A Second Coming Out - Eros United

I have a boyfriend.  I am also dating another man.   Both know of each other and get along, but are not dating each other.  I am a polyamorous man, but I have not always been so.  For sixteen years I was in a monogamous relationship.  Eight of those years we did not engage in relations.  I was working as a massage therapist, and I developed a friendship with one of my clients.  Over time, we became good friends and with it both of us became aware there were more feelings involved.  When he professed his love for me, I was shocked because I had come to love him too.  But I also loved the person I was with.  Because I believed the culture's teachings that one person for all your life will make you "happy ever after" I ended the friendship with this man, breaking his heart in the process.

 Fast forward to years later, after my partner had passed away.  I began dating a guy and his husband.  Honestly I entered it having feelings for one of the men...but over time the three o…

The Battle of the Beautiful: Eros United

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I killed myself once.  Well kind of.  I was in a relationship with a man for sixteen years.  Eight of which, we lived in separate bedrooms and did not engage in conjugal relations. While we lived together and deeply cared for each other, the romance, passion, and desire for one another had become a wisp of smoke from a freshly blown out candle. Having gone back into the closet for him so that he could attempt to gain custody of his daughter, I never emerged again until after his death.  Because of this I had very very few friends who knew me and fewer who knew how unhappy I was. My body ballooned up to nearly three hundred pounds. I seldom left the house except for work and became a bit of a hermit with severe social anxiety.

 Then he died. It was not sudden but the type of growth on his brain led to near a six month stay in the hospital before he left this life.  I had been with him for sixteen years of my life, and I was left to discover who I was without him. I had to redefine myse…