Finding the Source - Eros United

Things have shifted since I have last written. I have three separate paramours that I am dating, each knowing about the others.  One has shifted into a full-fledged boyfriend.  One is long-distance dating but this past weekend drove eight hours to be with me.  The third is the newest, and we are still getting to know each other.
What compounds this type of polyamory is that we are open. I have never been in an open relationship before, much less a poly open one. On one hand I love it.  Sometimes sex with a person who is not your spouse can be wonderful and exciting.  However there have been a couple of times when jealousy has arisen in me or one of my partners.
In exploring my own feelings of jealousy I ask myself a series of questions such as

  • Am I feeling inadequate?
  • What am I afraid of?
  • What was I feeling before the jealousy arose?  
When my long distance partner left to return to his home state, one of my other partners went out of state to help his best friend move.  Initially I spent more time with the third and newest one. But he had to work and we didn't want to smother the other so I spent a day free.
In texting my partner who is helping his friend move, he shares that he had a three way with a couple he met out at the clubs there.  I immediately felt hurt, angry, and jealous.
  I kept trying to figure out how to deal with the jealousy but simply did not yet have the tools to work through it.  I wondered if openness was a hard limit for me, a line I personally should not have crossrd. Being the bookworm I am, I decided to research and read on jealousy in open relationships.  Something a therapist pointed out in an article is that sometimes jealousy arises when a partner feels lonely or that his or her emotional needs are not being met.
I realized in that moment I was lonely.   Two of my partners were gone.  I was spending time alone for the first time in a couple of weeks. I was not upset at my partner for playing.  I was lonely.
Perhaps I am a bit of a masochist or perhaps because my spiritual path honors all of our feelings, I faced my shadow of loneliness.   I embraced it, and gave it the attention it needed.  I sat silently with loneliness as my lover and companion of many years.  And in facing and befriending my demons, the jealousy passed.  A quiet joy remains.

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