The Lessons of Aphrodite- Sex and Relationships: Lesson 5

 I recently began an open dating relationship with a man...and then the murders began...  I probably should start at the beginning.  I am no prude.  I have been in non-traditional relationships before.  I was part of a triad of three men, where all three of us were partners, living and loving together.  I loved it.  But one type of non-traditional relationships I swore I would NEVER try is an open relationship.  I should have known better.  The gods apparently took it as a challenge.  For the past month I have been dating a man.  He is gorgeous, sexual, talented, and utterly wonderful.  What makes this different than any other previous dating relationship I have experienced is that this dating relationship is open.  He is free to have sex with others as am I.  It scares the hell out of me.

I can understand being in a closed polyamorous  relationship.  While some jealousy may arise from time to time, it is more centered about wanting more time or affection.  Being in an open relationship, they are enjoying someone without you.  There has to be trust about safety.  There has to be a willingness to face one's own demons of jealousy, insecurity, and fear.  Thus the murders.

The first time he told me he had slept with someone else, I was shocked.  I know we talked about it.  I know we had set guidelines to protect the other.  I was surprised how I felt.  Immediately a devil I had not consorted with for many years showed up at my doorstep...the feeling of inadequacy.  Was I not enough?  Did I not provide enough sex?  Was not not good enough at pleasing him?  Did he like the other more than I?   This demon initially took the guise of playing the role of the victim in my own mind.  Feeling sorry for myself.  At that point I began to ask myself probing questions...what am I really afraid of?  What am I really feeling?   What is the reality of this situation?  Once I began to work through these and shedding light on my fears, I was able to let them go.  I murdered the role of victim in my mind.  It was not serving me.  I realized he told me, because he trusted and cared for me.  I had told him I could handle it, and after processing and working through it, and even discussing with him what I was working through, I could.  I knew I could care for someone and still recognize my attraction and even have relations with someone else and still care for the one I am dating...so I had to recognize that so could he.

This is new territory for me.  I realize he may fall for someone and leave...but this can happen in any relationship including traditional ones.  I know in this journey there are other demons to be banished or put to better use than tearing me down.  I do not know how hour our dating will progress.  I have no idea of what the future holds or if I will become an advocate of open relationships or go back to traditional ways.  What I do know is that I am being changed and challenged in my quick strawman judgements of others in open relationships now.  I am learning to see with new eyes, and murder other layers of self-hatred and insecurity that were hidden until now.

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