The Battle of the Beautiful: Eros United

I killed myself once.  Well kind of.  I was in a relationship with a man for sixteen years.  Eight of which, we lived in separate bedrooms and did not engage in conjugal relations. While we lived together and deeply cared for each other, the romance, passion, and desire for one another had become a wisp of smoke from a freshly blown out candle. Having gone back into the closet for him so that he could attempt to gain custody of his daughter, I never emerged again until after his death.  Because of this I had very very few friends who knew me and fewer who knew how unhappy I was. My body ballooned up to nearly three hundred pounds. I seldom left the house except for work and became a bit of a hermit with severe social anxiety.

 Then he died. It was not sudden but the type of growth on his brain led to near a six month stay in the hospital before he left this life.  I had been with him for sixteen years of my life, and I was left to discover who I was without him. I had to redefine myself.  And as I grieved, I began to shed the cocoon I have been living in for many years to begin the process of emerging as something new.  I lost nearly a hundred pounds. I read books and blogs on how to make friends and even carry a conversation in person, even to the point of memorizing fifteen questions to help me carry the conversation by getting the person to engage about themselves.   My self-esteem begin to heal and grow, I began to love myself and thus began to love others. I was reborn. My weight gain, my staying constantly at home, my silence was a product of my unhappiness.  None of these things are bad in and of themselves, but for me they were manifestations of my dying inside.  My first step towards love, to Eros, was emerging from the cave of the dying into the starlit sky of self-love. I had killed my old self, only to be reborn anew.


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