The Changing of the Seasons
It has been nearly six months since my partner of 16 years passed away. I thought I would not survive this. But I have. However like the old story of wrestling with the angel, I have not come out of this unscathed. I am changed. I have lost 90 pounds having changed my diet and sedentary lifestyle. I have friends and get out and do things. I don't glamorize nor demonize the relationship that has passed away. I see now we were in a rut and really the relationship before he got sick was in a bad way. He had even told me in the hospital that prior to going in he had taken off the rings we had exchanged several months prior and I had not even noticed. Yep. Things were not great. We loved each other but were in a rut and a bad place.
So now I am looking at my radically different life. I went from upper middle class to near poverty level. I live with two roommates. I moved from my four bedroom 2750 sq ft home to a single bedroom. I realize that my job is not going to really be able to financially support me. I am now planning to go to graduate school. I am actually considering law school yet am scared to consider such a move.
Spiritually I am not as angry at God as I was in my last post. However my approach to the Divine is less childlike and naive. I do not see Deity as safe nor like Santa Claus in the least. Deity contains life and death, blessing and curse, light and dark within it.
These six months have changed me, inside and out. I feel more out of control of my destiny, routines, and structures than I ever had. I am nervous to say the least. Yet I do have hope.