Drops Returning to the Ocean

Through this time in my life, I have been shoved into the fires that burn away karma and put one face to face with reality.  In running the risk of losing my loved one, I have been learning the lesson to live only in the moment and appreciate each moment and experience as a grace.  It is not easy.  At times every fiber of my being wants to rage against this.  And yet this revolt really does nothing.  I can only be here..now. 

Being a gay man at risk of losing his partner in death, I have also have had to face my issues with the church.  Do I stop holding his hand when folks come in because they might be offended?  Will the nurses treat him worse when they find out he is gay?  Will the doctors?  If he passes will we find a pastor/church to bury a gay man who is survived by his partner or will I be expected to hide during the funeral of my beloved of the past 16 years?

I have been thinking about civil rights and the experience of people of color in our not too distant history of slavery and beyond.  Why did they stay Christian?  Why do women who are for equality?  The Bible has been used to clobber folks into submission.  It has used on slaves, women, and gltb folks to demean and keep them down.  I am angry at the injustice of it.  Like I told my bishop, Jesus may accept me "just as I am", but I am not so sure about the church. 

And so I pray, I do my dharma in trying to live justly and protect the dignity of all people, as Jesus said: "Inasmuch as you have/have not done it to the least of these, you have/have not done it to me." The Gospel of Thomas says it beautifully: "Protect your brother/sister as you would protect the pupil of your eye." 

So for now I sit in the burning pyre of grief, worry, and anger, and yet while present in this, try to see each person as Jesus, as Krishna, as God.  They are the Divine Mother in many disguises, some wonderful some less so, and through each one, I seek to do what is right while holding my beloved up in the light, asking for a miracle that may or may not come. 


  1. Jay, absolutely, under no circumstances should you stop holding your partner's hand simply because someone might be offended. Their offense is of no great importance; it never was and it certainly isn't now.

    You have as much right to grieve openly for the loss of your partner, and to do so openly, should you choose to grieve in that manner. It's sad that we live in a place where people even have to pause to think about things like this. The two of you have spent many years together in love and solidarity; that should be respected and honored; and should your partner pass, your love should be celebrated and not hidden.

  2. Bishop, I totally agree. This seems to be one of the many lessons I am learning through this, to give in to other's prejudice is participating in to the oppression. But with it, I have observed where much of the seeds of this opression have been planted. The church has done both much great good and much great evil. Thank you so much for your encouragement through all this.

  3. Namaste and hi<3

    Sometimes, in this world especially...we are the ones chosen to set the example. So please do this, show them the love in your heart...and if in that moment they still have hate and ignorance, it will be upon them. I believe Bhagavan must see something very special in you, something strong that is capable of being this example for others. As i do believe we are never given more than He feels we can handle. So be strong in the truth of that. <3


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