Is THAT the Devil?: Day 2

It is Day 2 of my 30 day quest to deepen my spiritual practice.  So far all is well.  Last night I did another round of yoga, meditation and prayer.

Today, I did some flow yoga which was glorious.  I love it.  Also for lunch I ate humas, tabouli, and lentil soup!  So far I have not missed sodas, drinking water and teas instead.

One of the things that has popped up for me in removing hundreds more books to get rid off is an old devil hiding in the back of my subconscious.  As a teenager I was a fundamentalist Christian.  While I learned many wonderful things, and grew into a living relationship with God from it, I also carried away tons of baggage when I was shunned by my faith community.

Most of it has been dealt with but in getting rid of tons of my old fundamentalist Christian books, many dating to these years, I realized a part of me thought I would someday go back.  And with that insight of that came the revelation of why I thought that.  It was pounded into my brain that if one is truly saved, one will never backslide permanently.  Those who were "truly saved" would always return.  This little demon (no not literal) belief was hiding for so long I never realized it until removing the clutter.  With it was one that whispers, "What if you are wrong?" about the path I am on now.

I am writing about it to shed light on these thoughts that have hidden in darkness within me.  There is a lot I admire and respect about Christianity in its many forms.  However, there are very many reasons why I am not in any remotely orthodox form.

I am not going back to fundamentalist Christianity.  I am not keeping one eye on the door ready to return to the waiting arms of the church.  If I am wrong, I stand with integrity in what I have found to be true, and what I do believe.  Pray for me on this journey.  Know also I am praying for you.

Intention for the day: Those suffering financial difficulties.


  1. And why do you believe what you believe now as opposed to what you previously believed when you were a literalist Christian? Is it because you have actual experience with the divine and so you know(gnosis) or that you are still searching?

    From your conviction in not looking back at the door to literalism in some hope that you can always jump through if you're wrong it sounds as though you have arrived at last to the door of the bridal chamber.

    Congratulations, brother.

  2. Hi Angel! I believe that this entire life is a journey. For me, I had an experience of God as a fundamentalist and that journey, I believe that in this life we never fully arrive.

  3. True, it's never over 'til it's over. And then we still have more fun to look forward to. If we did 'arrive' then what would be the point of continuing with this life? That is where a lot of gnostics find themselves in deep depression.

    You've given me something to consider. It's been wiggling around in the back of my skull for a few months now and it finally bore fruit: we are such wonderful works in progress that we too often do not give ourselves enough credit for the journey traveled thus far. It does shape us. It did. And it still is.

    I think, too, that we do have episodic experiences where the All breaks through and shouts at us even as literalists. That's why it's so confounding when any other time we reach out and come up nearly empty handed. We can't figure out what we're doing right or wrong to get that kind of response. I think it has something to do with our brainwaves and when we slip into a certain open state of consciousness he's able to have our attention for a period of time. It can be during prayer, after physical exertion and exhaustion, or on the edge of sleep.

    Dreamt things all my life which were kind of out there and led me through what I felt was like a rat in a maze and yep, even had a weird encounter with pleroma through a Christian radio show. Started laughing and couldn't stop for a solid hour. I wasn't laughing because the show was funny. I was laughing because... I can't remember! I was just so happy I couldn't stop. It just burst out. It was like psychotic break, I tell ya. One of the weirdest things I'd experienced. Then I fell asleep on the floor. Positively weird. I woke up the most refreshed I'd been in months. No stress whatsoever. It was marvelous.

    It was all little baby steps, I see that now.

    The bridal chamber isn't the end. We still have to move forward and live this life. It is simply arriving at the final door of the biggest surprise. Like breaching what you think is a fortress. But it's not. It's more like falling into a pool of Love.


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