A journey through the hills and valleys of life...
I am sitting in the hospital. My dad who looks like a refugee from the concentration camps has slipped into a coma. His kidneys are failing. As friends and family visit to say their goodbyes, each of us reach for hope.
I have a boyfriend. I am also dating another man. Both know of each other and get along, but are not dating each other. I am a polyamorous man, but I have not always been so. For sixteen years I was in a monogamous relationship. Eight of those years we did not engage in relations. I was working as a massage therapist, and I developed a friendship with one of my clients. Over time, we became good friends and with it both of us became aware there were more feelings involved. When he professed his love for me, I was shocked because I had come to love him too. But I also loved the person I was with. Because I believed the culture's teachings that one person for all your life will make you "happy ever after" I ended the friendship with this man, breaking his heart in the process.
Fast forward to years later, after my partner had passed away. I began dating a guy and his husband. Honestly I entered it having feelings for one of the men...but over time the three o…
I killed myself once. Well kind of. I was in a relationship with a man for sixteen years. Eight of which, we lived in separate bedrooms and did not engage in conjugal relations. While we lived together and deeply cared for each other, the romance, passion, and desire for one another had become a wisp of smoke from a freshly blown out candle. Having gone back into the closet for him so that he could attempt to gain custody of his daughter, I never emerged again until after his death. Because of this I had very very few friends who knew me and fewer who knew how unhappy I was. My body ballooned up to nearly three hundred pounds. I seldom left the house except for work and became a bit of a hermit with severe social anxiety.
Then he died. It was not sudden but the type of growth on his brain led to near a six month stay in the hospital before he left this life. I had been with him for sixteen years of my life, and I was left to discover who I was without him. I had to redefine myse…
Today marks the end of my fast from dating and sexual relations. One of the reasons I did this was the realization that I needed a new consciousness about dating and about sex. Why? Because I was a fuckboy. A fuckboy is a guy who is into strictly sexual relationships; he will lead a person on, build his or her trust and genuinely pretend to like the person only to lose interest once they have achieved their conquest. At one point this past summer I had twenty one dates with different people in a single month period. While I slowed down in the fall, realizing I was out of control, I still had the same mindset....often not even realizing the games I played with people's hearts. Thus, the need for this fast.
During this fast, I realized that I was a fuckboy trying to avoid real intimacy with a cheap facade. I did not have to risk getting close to anyone and thus did not risk getting hurt. This fast gave me another way to be. I gave myself no allowances for dating nor sex. …