The Leaf Flew Away

     I have tried. I really have. I never thought I would be at this pont. But I am. Since my spiritual experience several months ago, (see my belief system has fallen apart. I wanted to believe in Jesus. I really did. I had found a faith that allowed me so many freedoms with the Gospel of Thomas, but this experience shattered all that.

     I thought the feeling would pass, as all things do. But having learned to read, can a person unlearn it? I talked to those in my faith community and they suggested that I did not see or need Jesus in this experience because in some way I had merged with him, seeing through his eyes in this life changing experience I had. I wanted to believe this so badly. I picked up my Thomasine and Christian theology and devotional books to study and pray. Yet it felt so contrived and unnatural, like fitting a square peg in a round hole.

      Tonight as I prepared to again bring myself to study and to do my devotions, I heard the winds blowing outside. I walked out the front door and sat in the yard. The moon shared her glow. The winds blew the clouds across the sky and the smell of moisture was in the air, and the experience returned...that of the Divine in nature..both one and many. I wept there in the night sky, utterly in sacred awe of nature.

      I made a decision I have dreaded bringing to full consciousness right then and there. It scares me even as I say it. I picked up a dry dead leaf from the ground and spoke: "This leaf was once bright and life-giving. This was my faith as a Thomasine Christian, but now I admit that this faith has died within me. It is no longer relevant to my life."  I have been scared to speak these words...scared of what others would think...scared that I did not have another faith to jump into.  Then I let the dried up leaf blow away with the words witnessed by Nature herself. "I relinquish my holdings to Christianity in any of it's forms".

      It is not out of any animosity towards Christianity nor Jesus that I did this. It was from the honest admission that I no longer followed that path. For me, it was an act of honesty, that I found more sense of the holy in those few moments of nature than all my theological play or forced practice. The sacred came to me as God/dess in nature...and as the spirits of life in the trees, in the winds, in the grass...the One and the Many. It is to them that I offer my priesthood in their simple service.


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