Confession

They say that confession is good for the soul, and I suppose it is.  I have something that I have tried to write for several days now, and each time ditch what I wrote. You see, I have this blog.  Yes, THIS blog.  It was all about that mystical text the Gospel of Thomas.  It is a fascinating text that I have studied for several years now, and I decided to write a personal commentary of my exploration of all 114 sayings.  I found it to be a riveting journey.  It was when I finished that the big experience happened.  I got it. I totally internally "got" what the teaching was telling me.  I am not saying this to brag.  I am not telling you this to gloat.  Hell, I don't think I did any thing to experience it.  But I did.  And with that, I no longer needed the Gospel of Thomas.  My 6 to 7 year romance with it died like the flowers I left my first girlfriend, who was in love with my best friend.

Suddenly I understood and experienced what the GoT taught, and I honestly did not need the finger pointing at the moon anymore.  I remember studying with my guru and he spoke of a time when he "got" it.  While the scriptures were still beautiful descriptors... why do you need a description when you can know it?  Well guru, you were right. And in my case, wrong.  You see, as I grokked what it was saying.. I found so much more that it could not prepare me for.

Suddenly, inexplicably I was aware.  I was aware of the spirit of life in the trees, in the air, in the flowers, even in the hailstones kicking the crap out of my car.  Everything was alive.  I was aware not just of spirit in nature but of spirits of the dead, both those related to me and those not.  I am not claiming to be a medium or anything like that.  I am merely trying, in my own inadequate way, to describe what happened.  Overnight I became a step beyond a believer in spirits.. both in nature and of the dead.  Somehow it is all connected.  They were revealed as another reality on top of reality to me.  It was no longer separated from anything.  It was a part of everything.  Each of these spirits existed separately and yet at the same time like facets of a single jewel.. they were each a face of the divine.

God to me was revealed as a lover and would not be denied.  God was in the trees, the winds, and even somehow present in tragedy.  Not as its cause, just present with it.
The lover.
Ever pursuing.
Me.

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